Unmitigated Cha-gall

Thanks for coming to Judaicrap. I hope you enjoy yourselves and laugh a lot. And stuff.

So I'm going to confess from the get-go that I have a few emotional reservations about this. I'm reminded of the time that my sister and I went to see Muriel's Wedding at the Baederwood movie theater in Jenkintown, which tends to cater (or at least did back then) to the older members of Our People. My sister went to the bathroom after the movie and came out laughing hysterically. It seems that one of Our People asked another, "What did you think of the movie?" The other woman sighed deeply and replied, "You know, I don't want to say anything bad about it because someone obviously put a lot of hard work into that movie."

I totally am with the second woman. I know how much effort goes into art, even unbelievably bad art, and I'm a little nervous about hurting people's feelings. So yeah, a few reservations. I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

At the same time, most of the art I expect we'll comment on is awful, awful. It doesn't mean that the person who made it is necessarily worthy of mockery, but they're really not helping themselves with some of this shlock.

I also want to acknowledge that I make these statements with almost no artistic training whatsoever. Back in college, I signed up for an art history course, but it was at 10 a.m., the room was warm and dark, and the seats were comfy. I fell asleep both times I went, so I thought it best to drop the course. On top of this, I have no eye for color and no sense of style or fashion. And I'm horribly near-sighted (although I wear corrective lenses). So there we go.

In spite of these limitations, I grew up in a Conservative synagogue in the 1980's. You know. Unnecessarily humongous bimah chairs. Grotesteque needlepoint sefer Torah covers. Hauntingly abstract Israeli lithographs (being from Israel made them special treasures.) I don't know that there's a better credential for spotting and commenting on bad Jewish art than that.

The bottom line: take this all with a grain of salt. And please feel free to add your own commentary.

So in coming up with this first posting, I turn where I always turn when I need help: Google. When I type "bad Jewish art" into Google, I get a whole slew of webpages, none of which center on bad Jewish art. But more significantly, I get some "Sponsored Links" on the right side of the page. I love Sponsored Links. They bring me joy, even (or maybe especially) if they're totally unconnected to what I'm looking for. Like the time when a friend and I were having a Google email exchange about white privilege, everyone's favorite subject, and one of the "Sponsored Links" suggested that we go white-water rafting. Almost there, Sponsored Links, almost there.

In any case, I browsed through some of the Sponsored Links and, relying on my extensive expertise in bad synagogue art, found this beauty:

Chagall Chuppah

Just as an initial matter, I really like the zoom function (you have to click through to see that.) It allows me to move gently over Mordy (I've named him Mordy), the airborne Bride of Frankenstein goat at the bottom of the page, and (a) figure out what exactly he's drinking in that kiddush cup (hard to say, even with the zooming) and (b) be more exact and precise as I use the white arrow to pet him and scratch his nose. He's so soft and furry. I'm feeling a little dizzy now from the zoom, but this special feature gives me a more intimate familiarity with the art.

This chuppah looks like someone voraciously devoured several expensive Chagall masterpieces, upchucked them onto a piece of cloth and decided to use it as a chuppah. I'm counting chunks from at least five different Chagall or Chagallesque works. The martian fiddler (who seems to have graduated to the double bass). The head-butting couple in the upper left (are they lesbians in this version? I don't want to be all gender-bound or anything, but they're both wearing white, I think.) The all-too-excited bridesmaid affectionately rubbing cheeks with The Pet Goat. The king is doing something untoward between the legless ghost-queen's legs. And who scattered flowers everywhere? And who's going to clean them up when this is all over?

For these reasons, I am appalled.

Craptastically yours,

Rabbi Judaicrap

Klimtastrophe

Welcome to Judaicrap!

So much bad Jewish art, so few forums for mocking it. My fellow Judaicrapper and I plan to provide a forum for collecting and mocking the best (or the worst) of simply awful Judaica.

It all started with a simple request for help. Mutual friends of ours are getting married. As you may know, part of the Jewish wedding ritual involves signing a Jewish wedding contract (Ketubah), which states the couple's obligations to each other. So my fellow Judaicrapper asked me if I could recall where my Ketubah came from. I know I ordered it online. That is all I can remember now.

But I decided to be helpful and see if a quick Google search could yield some leads (I plead the Fifth on whether I found my Ketubah on one of these sites). Almost immediately, I came across this, which can be yours for only $305 (price includes "personalization fee"):

Help, there is a giant yellow squid eating the happy couple! And scary technicolor bubbles. And squid! Apparently this Klimtastrophe of a Ketubah is appropriate for calamari loving Jewish cannibals with incredibly bad taste (and a penchant for ripping off over-commercialized art). Perhaps the ketubah should have been titled "Calamari's Revenge?"



And, dear readers, we cannot deny you the accompanying copy:



Your First Kiss is special, a treasure to be remembered. The Kiss under the Chuppah is sweet with the wine you have drunk and salty with your tears. The Kiss at your first dance is shy. Who is this stranger smiling at me? Who is this old soul I have known forever? The Kiss after you finally find yourselves alone is pure passion. But do not be mistaken. They are all one Kiss. Your souls, your hearts, your eyes, your thoughts, your bodies and your words have been kissing each other ever since the moment you met. The rest of you surrendered to the Endless Kiss a long time ago. When your lips come together, they are sealing the envelope of a beautiful love letter that you are constantly writing to each other.


WHO IS THIS OLD SOUL I HAVE KNOWN FOREVER AND WHY DID HE SIC AN EVIL TREYF SQUID ON MY LEG? Is it because of my salty tears?



For shame, Nishima Kaplan, for shame (but thank you so much for the laugh that inspired a blog). Tomorrow, my fellow Judaicrapper partner in crime will share the story of his long-standing love-mock relationship with Bad Jewish Art.





- Judaicrappette